Throughout his reign, he had always been kind and gracious to those in the nobility, having even extended entitlements normally reserved for royalty, like paying zero taxes and blanket acceptance of immoral vices. So how could these privileged sycophants dare utter salacious comments about their king and queen?! 

Thanks to the monarchy Noble citizens could afford luxuries like treatments to their skin and hair to make them appear younger and, in their minds, more attractive. They had access to doctors who could alter their body shapes and tighten their skin. This privileged class even received proper approval to hire royal tailors and clothiers, whose wares gave them more appealing shapes and features, and only added to their inflated egos and bust sizes.

When the infuriated queen returned to her castle, she summoned her lady-in-waiting and demanded public execution of anyone found to have uttered the first derogatory word about her and her husband’s natural, age-appropriate appearance.  Overhearing his wife’s bloodlust, and fearing the potential fallout among the masses, the King acted quickly. He had his royal attendant deliver two sizable, fresh, and delicious Helles Lagers and told him to return with more as soon as her majesty’s stein was one-third full.  

Both infuriated and hot after their stroll, the first beer helped quench their thirst, and calmed the Queen…a little. Now, rather than insisting upon murder, she was only suggesting public flogging and torture. Thankfully, as her stein approached empty the second time, her rage and demand for revenge had shifted from physical pain to a more passive tact in the form of moral shaming and ethical comeuppance.  This was a course of action the King could get behind. Besides, after successfully pacifying his wife twice, he feared pressing further would likely spoil his winning streak. 

As the fifth Stein arrived the Royal couple had reason to celebrate. After a suds-spilling clink of their vessels and sloppy chug of their beers, the two dictated to their assistants the details of their decree. Upon signing some semblance of their names at the bottom, the pair began a stumblesome stroll towards the Royal chambers. Thus, putting a positive end to a morning stroll that had gone from pleasant to poor. 

Early the next morning the Royal guards arrived at the Aristocratic neighborhood where the King and Queen had been so offended the day before. They split up and began knocking on the doors of each of the wealthy residents’ expansive estates to deliver the news.

The king and queen offered their hypocritic former friends a choice. They could remain in the kingdom but would no longer receive any of the financial entitlements once afforded to them, nor were they permitted to alter their appearances via clothing, makeup, or otherwise, in an attempt to look younger or more attractive. Or, they could be exiled far away to an area the monarchy would never see, in the hills outside the hamlet of Beverly. And there, these artificially painted, textile-augmented, narcissists could spend their remaining days embroiled in superficial gossip and scandalous slander, and no one of substance would ever have to think of them again. 

Coming as no surprise whatsoever, they all chose exile. And so, they packed up their bags, endured one final trip through town where they scoured as peasants hurled equal volleys of insults and vegetables at them, and headed west into their new home in what became known as Beverly Hills. 

Joy in the kingdom had never been higher. Within a week the massive estates once filled with shallow elitists and empty souls had been filled to the brim with genuine citizens rich in character and charisma. Hearing of the quick transition, and not ones to miss a good time, the king and queen had a wagon loaded up with barrels of their favorite Helles Lager, loaded a couple of others with meats, firewood, musicians, and lawn games, and set off. 

Without knowing it, they were making history. The raucous gathering became the standard by which an entire industry still measures itself today. With their blend of real people, good beer, food trucks, live music, and outdoor games, the five principal features of a kickass taproom had been canonized. And that’s something we can all raise our steins to.