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It started one morning while the Queen was dressing. She noticed that multiple items were missing from her jewelry stand. Ever the image of sensibility and grace, she wasn’t going to let something like misplaced ornamentals she hardly wears spoil her day. And with that, she joined the King downstairs for breakfast.
While the man at the table was her husband, he certainly wasn’t acting like it. The King was speaking faster than a room full of children after eating all their Halloween candy. His bloodshot eyes darted around like bouncy balls on marble floors. The Queen tried to understand him, but he couldn’t seem to finish a sentence, much less a story, before going in a different direction. The only thing she kept hearing for sure was, “I’m sorry”, and something about a guy with “special tonics”.
The Queen’s appetite was as lost as her interest in hearing more ramblings from the King. Curious about what had happened to her husband, and perhaps her jewelry, she opted for breakfast to-go and set out for the village.
Information was not hard to find. Stopping by the local market, a shopkeeper told her she had seen a man come to town yesterday on a carriage with a big trunk and barrels, being pulled by horses. The stranger had stopped in the middle of the village and began preaching to everyone about these life-changing tonics, spirits, and seltzers he was selling.
Overhearing this, a clearly agitated local stonemason chimed in, “That snake took my money. He promised me the special seltzer water had vitamins that would keep me cool, and I wouldn’t get as thirsty or as sore. Instead, all I got was super-bubbly water that got me drunk and gave me the hiccups.”
The chorus of displeasure quickly grew as seemingly dozens upon dozens of village folk had been sold false promises by the same mystery salesman. “My drink was supposed to help keep me focused; instead, all I’m doing is shaking”, cried one. “Mine was supposed to help me feel relaxed, not pass out during lunch, and make my teeth smell like lavender,” shared another. The stories went on and on.
After listening through more stories than most could tolerate, the patient and considerate Queen, who herself had come from this very village, assured the crowd that justice would be served. And wasting no time, she set off in search of the traveling con artist.
Before long, she saw tracks of the carriage, then heard sounds of the horses, and then saw the grifter himself. She approached him innocently, and as she was dressed gracefully, yet not lavishly, the man saw her as a prime target and had no reason to suspect she was a Queen seeking vengeance for her husband and people.
The smooth-talking fraud complimented her beauty and mentioned he had tonics that could help keep her looking young. He offered shakes to help her maintain her slim figure and “skinny” concoctions to boost her spirits. Feigning interest and exuding naiveté, the Queen inquired about the cost and mentioned that she might not have enough to afford it, but would the man consider a trade for the high-value ring she was wearing? His silky, soft assurance could’ve convinced the Devil himself, but the Queen could still see the evil below his skin.
So as the grifter bent down to look at her ring, the Queen drew on all her strength from being raised on a farm and punched him in the mouth. Before his fake teeth could hit the ground, she reached into her pack and grabbed her favorite pewter stein and swung it into the back of his head. After a few kicks to his own family jewels (and ribs), the grifter was firmly grounded.
Looking into the swindler’s transport, the Queen found, as expected, bottles of bizarre liquids, tinctures of strange ingredients, and a massive trunk full of valuables, including her jewelry. From the beaten man’s pack, the Queen found a bowl, which she filled with water and gave to the horses. After quenching their thirst, she took the reins, turned the carriage, and headed back towards home, leaving the grifter with nothing but the bowl.
Approaching the village, the Queen stopped at the crest of a hill surrounded by fields of barley. After giving her horses a snack, she reached into her pack and pulled out a small jug of lager. With the sun setting over the fields, she sat on the tailgate of the wagon and poured the beer into her, now slightly dented, pewter stein. And as that first sip crossed her lips, the victorious smile that lit her face, and the sense of contentment that filled her soul, was something that can only be described as true royalty.
