Could he really have been so wrapped up in his pathetically narcissistic new bride that he failed to notice the kidnapping of his own child?

How was it possible that he, the all-knowing king wasn’t aware his batshit crazy spouse had dressed up like an old lady and attempted to suffocate and then poison (twice!), his sweet daughter? 

Unable to keep her thoughts in her head, Snow White blurted out loud, “Holy shit Dad, what the fu*k is wrong with you?”

Before her shout fell silent the answer was clear. Her father never cared about her, or her mother. He never wanted to be a dad. He was just a deadbeat who remarried the first piece of tail whose self-loving ego matched his. With this newfound perspective, Snow White’s emotions pivoted from sadness and confusion to anger and revenge. The king had to pay, and the bill was due. 

The next morning she set out to return to the kingdom of her troubled childhood, where her imposter of a father remained upon the throne. Her plan was simple: Expose the king’s narcissistic and neglectful wrongdoings, take him away, and divide his land and power evenly among her dear friends, the seven dwarfs. 

As she approached the dwarfs’ home, cheers rang out and she was met with oversized embraces from her undersized friends. After sharing her epiphany and resulting plans, everyone’s mood, even Happy Dwarf’s, shifted to match those of the Snow White. And with rage and rebellion fueling their fire, the group of eight set off for the castle. 

With little difficulty, Snow White reached her father and, after making public his transgressions, she met with zero resistance as the group bound him up and took him away. 

The king’s new home was on the island of Elba, his new kingdom a cell. Snow White had determined his land and power would be evenly divided amongst the dwarfs, and she would return to her life of bliss with her new husband. It was a selfless and kind gesture from the equally benevolent and beautiful queen. A newfound peace blanketed the kingdom, but it wouldn’t last. 

While sulking in exile, and with time his lone ally and asset, the cunning former monarch conceived a plan to regain all he had lost by using his wits and small stature to recapture his land and power. Upon securing his release by promising his guards vast estates and wealth in exchange for freedom and transportation, the little leader acted quickly. 

With makeup, military garb, and a French accent as his disguise, he arrived at the house of the Seven Dwarfs. He introduced himself as a long-lost relative of theirs. His given name was Natural Positive Leader of Nations, but everyone called him Napoleon. The group was immediately entranced by his (completely bullshit) tales of battlefield heroics and acts of kindness. Napoleon had them convinced he was some kind of super-dwarf. His charisma and charm left them in awe and wanting him to stay forever. 

With ease, the former king convinced the dwarfs they should consolidate their land, centralize their power, and choose one dwarf to oversee it all. And naturally, there was no better dwarf to lead this newly reunited kingdom than himself. 

It took days, not weeks, for the dwarfs and everyone in the land to realize the error of their ways, and for the king’s selfish and power-hungry ulterior motives to become clear. Feeling helpless and fearing retribution, the dwarfs met in secrecy to consider their options. Having assumed a massive army and stronghold, fighting the king was pointless. So they decided to feign happy obedience while sending word to Snow White seeking help.  

The queen, pissed beyond words, returned with haste, and without a benevolent bone in her body. Acting alone, she sent word to the king that her new husband had changed, their marriage soured, and she had left him. Snow White’s fallacious message also said she recognized her father was truly a great leader and she sought forgiveness and acceptance. However she feared retribution from his loyal followers, so she requested a meeting in the woods so he could bring her back to the kingdom safely.

The King, Napoleon, or “his majesty the jackass” as most called him, so blinded by his narcissism, was oblivious to the trap and went to meet his daughter. In one fell swoop, and without remorse, as the king entered the woods the dwarfs ambushed him. 

This time his destination was not an island but a once dormant, but now active volcano called St. Helena. Without hesitation, the dwarfs marched him to the top and pushed him over the edge. With smiles on their faces and beer in their glasses the group toasted their success and vowed never to be fooled again.